A Question of Shame

After starting my internship at a Women’s Center here in Houston, I’ve been dealing a lot with the concept of shame. A lot of people confuse guilt with shame, but they are actually very different. Here’s some examples from a book I’m reading:

Guilt: I did something bad Shame: I am bad.
Guilt: I made a flawed decision Shame: I am flawed.
Guilt: I’m struggling with a problem. Shame: I am the problem.

In reading this book, it was shocking to recognize how much shame I have in my life. I always wondered why, when I was dealing with difficulty, I sometimes couldn’t deal with things more effectively or separate myself from what the issue at hand was, whatever it was. It’s quite a revelation to finally be able to label my feelings as shame, and not just plain old-fashioned guilt. It’s not surprising that you would have a rough time dealing with life’s bumps if you sincerely believed that you WERE the bump itself.

As a Christian, I should believe that good news is on the way – that Christ’s sacrifice paid for all of my tragic imperfection. My mind is ok with that, but for some reason my heart has a hard time operating at that speed – I still feel like I have an emotional debt rung up that is so high that I can’t possibly pay it off, no matter how hard I try, and I find myself in small fits of desperation, trying so hard to redeem myself that I feel shame over that too.

Whether it be my body, relationships, the fact that I’m blogging instead of working right now…that nagging feeling gets to me, but I never had a word to describe it. My mom has always said I’m too hard on myself – I know that it’s time to get rid of the shame. Could it be……..SATAN??