I decide.

First, I want to apologize to my readers for the colorful language - I really don't have a filthy mouth. However, some things happen in your life that only words with bite can describe. This blog is probably the most personal that I will ever write here on Days. First, I have to start off with something fun, so that this will not be totally depressing - did you know that the author of www.thebachelorrecaps.com goes to my church? How cool is that.

Ok, back to business. Today, I worked on the Rape Crisis hotline at my internship. This hotline is pretty slow - we don't get many calls. However, when we do, anything can happen. Sadly, about 30% of the calls are from...how do I say this? Total, unadulterated, perverted SOB's. Yep - I said it. When the hotline people told me about these calls, I was like, "no way". Who in the world would do that!! I felt like I had to see it (hear it, I guess) to believe it.

Today, I heard it. A guy called in claiming that he had been raped. I was suspicious from the beginning, but I hate to make assumptions. I tried to give him information about our support groups for male sexual assault survivors, but he kept asking and insisting that he tell his story. He was acting weird. And then, I REALLY heard it. Friends, there is no other way to say this - this guy was jacking off on the phone with me. I couldn't believe it. Of course, I hung up, but I was shaky for, like, an hour. I felt like hiding somewhere and crying, but I was the only person there to work the line. Here's how I felt:

HUMILIATED: I was so embarrassed.
SHAMED: Why did he pick me? Was there something I could have done? Was it my fault that I stayed on the line with him and "let him take advantage of me"?
DIRTY: I felt violated, even though it was just over the phone.
SCARED: horribly scared.

I find it very interesting that 3 out of the 4 emotions I felt were directed at myself, and feeling bad about myself for what happened, even though I know it wasn't my fault. Ugh!!!

Dear Heavy Breathing Jerk-off Queen:

What you did to me was sick. I know that this is probably not all that you do - you probably hurt people in your life that should be able to trust you in much worse ways than you hurt me today, and that makes me so freaking angry. You knew what you were doing the second that you picked up the phone, and you probably knew how I would feel when I hung up on your disgusting a$$ (sorry), and I bet that that really makes you get off just as much as telling your ridiculous, fake story to me. Well, guess what - I'm not going to feel that way. I will not let you make me feel nasty and disgusting. I will not let you make me feel ashamed or humiliated anymore - you are the one who decided to call me, and now, I get to decide. I might be afraid to answer the phone, but that won't stop me from doing it, just in case someone you hurt calls me. The only question that lingers in my mind is whether you're such a freak show because, once upon a time, someone violated you just like you're violating other people now. If that's the case, I'm sorry, but that doesn't excuse your disgusting, perverted, sick behavior. I would pray for you, except I cannot bring myself to do it just yet. I wish that you would get caught hurting the people who should be able to trust you - there's no doubt in my mind that you are probably causing so many people so much pain. You are so HORRIBLE and DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
Leslie