Are you a Bu that's been CBC'd?

Happy New Year!

So, in the past we have discussed pseudo-dating, weird hugs, and numerous other ambiguous situations that now have rather hilarious names. Here's one more: CHRISTIAN BOOTY CALL, or CBC for short.

If you're in the 20's and 30-something Christian dating scene (which would require a whole 'nuther blog to unpack, but I'll let someone else do that), you've probably experienced a CBC. Here's a short list of people, things, and places needed to create a CBC:

1) A pseudo-dater (see 2006 blog for full details)
2) A bu (pronounced "boo"): A bu is a "back-up" - and the object of the pseudo-dater's pseudo desires. Being a bu is a sad state to be sure - it means that you're probably a great girl (or guy) who meets a lot of the pd'er's specs, but for whatever reason they just want to be your here-and-now friend with no strings attached. Ironically, however, even though they aren't truly interested in you, there's not a chance in he** they'd ever set you up with their friends, as much as they think of both you and them, and may even feel threatened by that possibility. In short, the pd'er doesn't want the bu, but doesn't want anyone else to have them, resulting in hurt feelings and confusion (eventually). If that's your lot, you're a bu.
3) A telephone or computer.
4) Spontaneity
5) An enticing, exciting, yet casual reason to hang out.

Ok, now that we have all of the ingredients, determining what a CBC is is easy. A CBC happens when a pseudo-dater calls a bu on the fly to go do something random and fun together at a moment's notice. The bu, who may or may not know in their heart that they are a bu, continues to hope that hanging out with the pd'er on yet another adventure will put the pd'er over the edge, causing them to realize that the bu is really the "it" girl (or guy). The bu thinks "Just one more time!", and their feelings for the pd'er spring into action. Against their better judgment, their desire to spend time with the pd'er wins out. Maybe they've tried to draw some pd boundaries, but to know avail - a lot of rationalizing goes on. It is no wonder that most pd'ing relationships die such a slow and confusing death.

Examples of CBC's:

1) "Come on _____ random road trip with me."
2) "I'm meeting some friends at ____ jazz club in 15 minutes. Wanna come?"
3) "What are you doing right this second? I need help picking out new hinges for my cabinets."
4) "You're the only person on this planet that I can think of that can screw in a light bulb. I know it's 10:30, but I'm afraid of the dark. Will you come over and help me?"
5) "My brother's in town today. Want to have lunch with us?"
6) "Let's go to a movie with my parents. They'd love to meet you."
7) "I have a craving for Waffle House. Let's go right now and stay up too late. Then we'll go back to one of our places very sleepy, and I'll put my head on your shoulder, snuggle, and lead you on. Won't that be fun??"
8) "I need someone to be vulnerable with. Can I pop in and confide in you about all my deep, heart-felt secrets? I can only stay for a little while though. I've got a date with another emotionally confused bu. See you in 10."

Finally, here's an excerpt from an email exchange about CBC with a friend:

I don't know _____, and she is not here to defend herself, so I hesitate to give my opinion. However, I have to state the obvious - if (key word) she knows that you liked her and she is still calling you (can you say "Christian Booty Call"?) to stay out late and hang out with her like that, she is not looking out for your best interests as a friend in Christ. If she has no idea that you liked her and she's doing this, she's blind to the obvious (or wants to be) and just enjoys frolicking around with you. That might not be so bad, but neither of these options are beneficial to YOUR heart - no matter about hers. Honestly, this whole situation is giving me a "single for a reason" vibe, and that vibe is not about you.

I know this is unsolicited advice, but some boundaries are in order here. Just say "no". Having been the girl on both sides of this situation, I can tell you confidently that there will never be a winner in this game.


Dang.