Pseudo-Dumped......LOL :P

Is it possible to be dumped by a guy that you never actually went on a date with? The ONLY reason I’m blogging about this is because, well, I have to put an end to this PD blog series, to any blogs about stuff going on with people in the present (I have decided that this is kind of stupid), and also to the emo-rollercoaster I’m riding this week. Sheesh! I’d kick back a few tonite if only I liked beer. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Ok, so first of all, this guy is a very, very nice man. No doubt about it. However, I’m PD’d out. The extended Dateline interview has gone on long enough. From here on out, any reservations that a guy does or does not have with me are at a restaurant 6:30 Friday night (I love Brad Paisley lyrics). LOL Having actually been pursued and treated like the totally UNdeserving princess that I am (thank goodness for grace!) in the past, I really, really, REALLY appreciate actually, bonified dating. You know, when a guy meets a girl that he’s basically attracted to and takes a chance, asking her out? How refreshing….I don’t want to be PD’d – it hurts, and I don’t even know why (well, I do, but I’ll explain later).

So now that the “hollarin’” has subsided and it’s looking like this very, very nice guy who hasn’t done anything overtly wrong (other than unintentional teasing and asking ambiguous “I may be thinking about asking you out” questions, which may be wrong but who knows) doesn’t really want to hang out anymore and is now just trying to be nice and humor me, I’m considering myself to be pseudo-“dumped”. All the signs are there – no need for details. What did I do? This is SO weird, but it feels pretty good. ?????

Ok, so back to the “hurt” thing (and why it feels good) - I haven’t been dumped (or pseudo-dumped) in a really long time (high school, maybe?), and I am all over the lessons that I am learning from this. First of all, I am able to get a taste of my own medicine. Having been on the other end of the 2-hour exclusive Barbara Walters special, I can now feel how hard it is and how hurtful it can be. To my innocent victims, I am deeply sorry. *sigh* And another thing – when I step away from the situation, I realize that, although he is a really great guy, I am by no means crazy-nutso over him – I thought he was cool and was just trying to get to know him. Sadly, PDing is often so casual that you really barely scrape the surface of a person’s character or personality (tangent). Anyway, at this point, what I really needed was to win the game – to be validated as a female. Did I say I wasn’t competitive? I LIED. I’m competitive with MYSELF. It’s ironic that, in a quest for validation, one just makes themselves more vulnerable to be laughed at. Even more ironic, this vulnerability that I’m experiencing is pretty amazing – I think I need to privately (or publicly!) embarrass myself and open myself up more often. :P

Finally, through this, I realize (once again, and again, and AGAIN) that my only validation should come from God and my relationship with him – it is a very, very beautiful thing, God’s love I mean. As hard as it is, I will always come up short by looking for approval, validation, completeness, or perfection through a relationship or friendship of any kind. I think I know this in my head, but somehow I can’t get my stubborn heart to believe it. When, do you suppose, will I finally learn my lesson? Place your bets!!