Feeling Melancholy

Hello friends -

I wish I were better at this blog thing. It seems like the only time I'm inspired is when I'm either: A) Feeling excited about something, B) Feeling blue about something, or C) Getting Pseudo-dumped.

Tonight, for some reason, I'm feeling very melancholy, and I'm not sure why. There seem to be alot of questions in my heart right now - about love, about life, about everything really. I try very hard not to be opposed to the idea that life is, inevitably, filled with ambiguity, but it's still a hard pill for me to swallow pretty often.

Have you ever been in a place in your life when you sit, quietly, and ponder how life hasn't really turned out how you planned? I'm doing that right now. I don't really know if I ever had a "plan" in mind, per se, but I know that it wasn't to be sitting in my pj's musing about life on a Monday night. When my parents where my age, they had a 2 kids and one on the way......I'm not there yet mentally or emotionally at all - I'm just praying for a great conversation with a guy that I really like, and wondering when that day will come. The scary part is that I catch myself doubting seriously that God is bigger than my little life here and now. I really do think to myself, "I wish I could put my ____ life (lets just say it, dating life) in God's hands, but that would mean really trusting him to provide and that his will would be done, and I'm scared to do that because I feel let down (or just afraid that his will is forever singleton-ness)." I remember feeling slightly annoyed in the past when other girls have expressed this vulnerability, and here I am. Interestingly enough, I have heard several talks lately about Genesis - and how Satan's first lie to Eve was "He's keeping something from you." Yes, very interesting.....

Please pray for me - that I would make the decision, day-by-day, to faithfully surrender this part of my life to God, and that I would be reminded by all means possible that God is bigger than my little world.