How to French Kiss

I'm baaaaa--aaaaaack!

Ok, today (and this is true) I was trying to look up how to translate "you are" into French. And what do I find? The About.com: Teen Advice instructional on how to French Kiss. I've decided to share it with you, and also throw in some of my own mad-libs....let's see if you can figure out what I've added:

An introduction to the seductive art of French Kissing:


Difficulty: Easy (unless you're kissing someone with no skills)
Time Required: N/A
Here's How:

1. Set the scene. Make sure that the mood and time are right. If needed, use the element of surprise - consider surprise tactics with pseudo-dates, dupe-dates, etc.
2. Relax! Take a deep breath and let go of any tension in your neck and shoulders.
3. Put your arms around the person's bottom you want to kiss.
4. Start off with a normal kiss, not too firm, not too aggressive. Closing your eyes is optional - sometimes people like it when you stare at them like an ax murderer while kissing.
5. In mid kiss, gently open your mouth and softly nudge the gum you're chewing into the other persons mouth using your tongue ring.
6. Again, not too aggressively, move your tongue inside the other persons mouth and playfully touch their tonsils, making sure that they dry heave a little bit. This is a real turn on.
7. Read the other persons body language, if they seem like they're convulsing or start making farm animal noises, stop what you are doing.
8. If they open their mouth as wide as possible or attempt to eat your face and otherwise indicate they like the kiss, keep on doing what you have been only with a little more passion.
9. As the kissing gets going saliva build up can be a problem, don't forget to spit it into the other persons mouth or into your dipping cup.
10. Make sure you keep your tongues relaxed but your lips tight (saliva again), you don't want the kiss to turn messy.

Here are more instructions from another website:

12. Don't bite. whatever you do, don't bite. Especially if you begin to foam at the mouth like a rabid dog.
13. Don't swing your tongue round and round like a windmill. Explore lightly, don't drill your way through like a jackhammer, like that dude on Sex and the City.
14. Breathe through your nose. Breathe through your nose. I say again, breathe through your nose. If you have a runny nose, try to avoid getting snot on the other person. However, I heard getting just a dab on the other persons face is considered sexy in Mongolia.
15. Follow so far? You can use your hands too, aggressively rubbing the other person like a dirty old man (see "Hugs" blog). Suggestions: along the waist, along the back, the arms, especially the inside of the arm, the neck, on the big toe, on the elbow, etc. Maybe try running your fingers through his/her hair, pulling his/her finger and making a little farting noise, then laughing uncontrollably, or doing an interpretive dance before and after the kiss. Again, don't cause pain, except when you're giving the person that full-on spank at the end before you push them off the couch and stretch out.
16. Continue kissing.

Tips:

1. Don't forget to breathe. Otherwise you will die.
2. Since French Kissing is "wetter" than other kinds of kissing it is a good idea to start with cracking, dry lips, don't lick a hot wing first.
3. If one of you have braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be more careful and not as forceful when things get passionate. Otherwise you will end up having to go to a minor emergency clinic and a feature on the last page of YM magazine.
4. If both of you wear braces you can still French Kiss, you just have to be very gentle and avoid touching teeth.
5. French Kissing takes practice, but at least it is fun to practice this one!

I know.....this is bad. But if you have any more tips, post them as a comment! I need to hear from you!